Proposed Daily Routine
3 seconds forgetting to water the plant
3 seconds using products made in Colorado
6 seconds putting on chapstick
7 seconds looking at pierced ears
9 seconds counting change
10 seconds avoiding people who won’t abbreviate their name
12 seconds putting cologne behind my ears
14 seconds considering the necessity of hair between the nail and the knuckle
15 seconds saying thank you
20 seconds knowing that I’m doing what I’m told
32 seconds holding doors
45 seconds thinking I’m balding
47 seconds telling the homeless I’m sorry
51 seconds zipping and unzipping
57 seconds picking my nose
1 minute 0.667 seconds (32 minutes monthly) getting my hair cut
1 minute 6 seconds unwrapping
1 minute 15 seconds shampooing
1 minute 15 seconds looking for keys
2 minutes as the center of attention
2 minutes 4 seconds losing things
2 minutes 7 seconds turning pages
2 minutes 46 seconds waiting for hot drinks to cool down
3 minutes 15 seconds wondering why men need a pillow and women need seven.
4 minutes looking at car accidents
4 minutes talking on the telephone
4 minutes brushing my teeth
5 minutes saying “I’ve read somewhere” to preface what I’ve learned from t.v.
6 minutes wanting a new name
6 minutes smoking
6 minutes confusing science with technology
7 minutes using things labeled “xtreme”
7 minutes looking at fur (seasonal)
9 minutes hiding hard-ons
11 minutes getting recipes from grandma
12 minutes shitting
13 minutes consciously not laughing at speech impediments
14 minutes thinking things look like body parts
15 minutes discussing names of animal genitalia and people with names like genitals
16 minutes for people who demand explanations
17 minutes riding my bicycle
19 minutes for important decisions
20 minutes sitting with my legs crossed
21 minutes washing the dishes
22 minutes pretending I’m not sleeping
23 minutes hating myself
23 minutes dividing things in two
23 minutes eating meat
24 minutes listening to music
24 minutes adding to the list of things I find necessary to be comfortable
25 minutes drinking to get drunk
27 minutes communicating through allegories and metaphors
30 minutes thinking about helping people
33 minutes looking for sex
42 minutes remembering
4 hours sleeping
12 hours working